Umi Spotlight: Oluwaseyi Toba-Olosunde

With Umi Spotlight, we are sharing the best of what other mothers have figured out both in their motherhood journey and in life.

On this edition, Oluwaseyi Toba-Olosunde shares her most memory moment from her childhood, what she is taking from her parents in training her own kids as well as one thing she would change if she had the chance. She also shares her interesting take on discipline, among other things. Find out more about her here

Going back to the way you were raised, are there any styles of parenting or traditions your parents raised you with that you now also do with your kid(s)?
Growing up, I didn’t really have the best style of parenting which now makes me give my children exactly what I missed out on.
The only thing I would say I took out of their parenting style was the discipline, but mine came with fear. So, I now want to be able to discipline my children but with love instead of fear so that they can still be able to air their opinions and talk freely knowing mom and dad will give them a listening ear. Because I didn’t have that.

What about your upbringing would you prefer not to repeat with your own journey as a parent?
I would prefer not to repeat the fact that I wasn’t allowed to have a mind of my own as a child. My parents wanted to always control my emotions and desires which made me timid, anxious and shy. So I wouldn’t want to repeat that as a parent.

What attributes of yours or that of your husband have you began to see in your kids?
Oh! plenty attributes o (lol). As a kid, I remember before they made me timid that I was very bubbly and outspoken and brave. I liked to do things on my own and I would always call people out if I notice a sense of partiality and favoritism, cos I’m a preacher of equality. My kids have that. Also, I am a very observant and inquisitive person. My daughter has that too.
Then for my husband, he is a very picky person when it comes to how to eat and cleanliness. My daughter and my son both have that. They can’t stay too long in a dirty environment and even my 15 months old son would not stay too long in a dirty diaper. He would beckon on you till you change it.

What was postpartum like for you? Did you have help? Were there any complications with your mental and physical health? And if there was, how did you deal with it?
For my postpartum, I didn’t really have help when I gave birth to my kids as much as I would have liked, especially for my daughter. It was even inside lock down because of Covid. So it was just me, the baby and my husband and truth be told, it was a difficult time. But God is real and He saw me through it. There was no complications in my mental and physical health and I have never experienced postpartum depression or anxiety. I am grateful to God for that, because I myself couldn’t believe it despite all the trouble I faced raising them.

How do you relax? What is self care for you?
When it comes to relaxation, the first thing is, I make sure I drop the kids off at creche or school as the case maybe. Then I just stay idle and jobless on purpose not wanting to lift a finger. I just stay in my bed, take a breather or maybe a deep sleep lol before I go pick them up.
For self care, I normally have a getaway either with my husband or alone if he’s working. Then I go for a beautiful sight seeing, massage, make my hair and nails, look pretty and get refreshed (as in baby girl life). I also like to dance so I do that a lot.

What do you miss most about your life before kids?
Lol well everything 😄 because I didn’t have to worry about anyone else but myself. The fact that if I felt small agitation, I could just go for a few days to clear my head. But now I have to face everything head on and still look cheerful to the kids so they don’t notice. Because my kids observe and notice things a lot, like I said before. Once you feel a little down, my 3 year old daughter will ask you; 'mummy why are you upset? oya cheer up’ 😂. And I would just start smiling, even if it’s fake smile so she can leave me alone.

What was the best advice you got about being a mother to your kids?
I saw it somewhere or read it somewhere.
Never assume anything when it comes to your children. Make sure you get to know their inner thoughts and how they operate. Because most times, we mothers tend to believe that because I am the one that gave birth to this child that means I know him or her. Sometimes that might not be the case. It’s always good to get to know your children and see what they’re capable of especially when they are left alone. Because most times that’s where you tend to see their talents and gifts.

How would you describe your parenting style?
Lol well first of all, I would say I’m still learning. But I am a parent who is very present and observant in the life and activities of her children. Even if I get a nanny or help, I still love to know how they are being fed, what they’re being fed, what they say, how they play and so on. I don’t usually leave the work alone to the help just because I have a help or nanny. In fact, I love to be the one helping my children with their homework everyday not because I can’t let someone else do it but because I always feel like I might be missing out on their childhood learning and fun if I don’t at least see how they learn.
Also I won’t say my parenting style is gentle parenting neither is it tough parenting, but somewhere in between because I love balance and I didn’t have that as a child.

What about motherhood and parenting do you still struggle with?
Oh plenty, I still struggle with getting on the same page with my children because they will always have an opinion of their own and we would have to go on and on before we reach a compromise or agreement. Starting with what to wear, then the color and even the place to visit and the type of food. Because my daughter and even my son will always have something contrary. When you want to wear a certain type of cloth for them or color, it’s always a battle because she will ask me why a million times and I would have to defend why I want to wear that color for her.

How do you discipline your kids (instead of beating them)?
When it comes to disciplining my kids, I just let the Holy Ghost take control lol. If He tells me to spank them, then I will. But most times, I scold them and other times I talk to them, letting them know why they shouldn’t do that or if it’s not that serious a crime, I just look away. But I never scold my kids in public. Although it has never happened and I pray it would never. But if they call me that my kid caused trouble in school or wherever, I would first investigate and know if it’s something they can do or not. This is why I mentioned earlier to always know your kids for who they are instead of assuming your kids are perfect. Also there is no punishment in my house; we just talk or scold them if need be. Everyone learns from their mistakes and they go about their business. We don’t encourage being moody and unnecessary remorse that can lead to timidity, so we don’t have naughty corners and all that.

What’s one of the hardest choices you've had to make?
As a parent, one of the hardest choices is when I go on vacation without the kids lol. Even though I know they would disturb me, I still always feel bad or have mom guilt when I’m having fun without them. But when they become adults, I am sure we will be going everywhere together 😆. So as consolation method to myself whenever we get back, we would take them to play grounds and amusement parks 😆.

What's your happiest childhood memory?
Oh! it’s hard to tell because I didn’t have a lot. I was always made to act like a good girl in quotes. So, I wasn’t free and I was not made to loosen up. I was always uptight in order to please my parent. But I would say our road trips. Back then, whenever we have holidays our dad would take us on road trips to visit tourist centers. That made me happy.

What would you prefer your children’s memory of their childhood be?
Oh I would love them to have a memory of love and acceptance from their parents knowing that no matter what life throws at them, they would always have the love and support, care and acceptance of their parents without being judged. I would love that whenever they get into trouble or even have a good news, they are so comfortable with us and we are the first person they tell or share it with. Because most people in our generation and community are not comfortable with their parents which is what leads to bad characters, company and friends, even bad behaviors or peer pressures.

What is your proudest moment so far as a mum?
Oh! I love this question. My proudest moment so far will be that despite my 9 to 5 job and ministry, I have still been able to be there for my kids whenever and anytime they need me. I have been present for all their milestones, happy and sad moments, and that makes me happy. There were some days I would even take them to work with me and we would have fun together till close of business while shuffling my own serious work. I thank God that my multitasking game is strong 😂.

Who are you, aside being a mum?
Well by the grace of God, I’m a minister of the gospel via intercession and worship, a financier, a banker, an entrepreneur, a planner, a fashion enthusiast and a wife.

What was your experience with healthcare when you were pregnant and during the delivery of your kid(s)?
My experience with health care was fantastic. I was well taken care of in the hospital and during the delivery of my kids. The nurses, doctors and pediatricians attended to me and the kids very well, and I give thanks to God for that because most people had it the other way around. Whenever I read the blogs and see how women and children are being treated badly by health practitioners, it breaks my heart.

What are your thoughts on family planning? Did you plan your kids or did you just go with the flow?
Lol I definitely planned my kids o except for the last which came as a surprise. But I am definitely a fan of family planning.

If you could do something different about your choice of career and family life, what would it be?
I would just love to be able to do all I do from home, if possible, so I can be much more closer with the kids than I am now. Don’t mind me, I don’t have much friends so I consider my kids my friends 😁

What advice(s) do you have for new mums in Africa?
Please always listen to your instincts and don’t be afraid to speak up whenever it’s needed. Also, be open to help especially when it comes from good and godly hands.