Umi Spotlight: Deborah Adeojo-Iteghie

With Umi Spotlight, we are sharing the best of what other mothers have figured out both in their motherhood journey and in life.

On this edition, we got Deborah Adeojo-Iteghie to talk to us on how she is coping with raising a child in diaspora, how much of her upbringing she is bringing into raising her own kid and what memory she would want her children to hold dear. She also expressed some profound things about other aspects of parenting as well. Find out more about her here

Going back to the way you were raised, are there any styles of parenting or traditions your parents raised you with that you now also do with your kid(s)?
I was raised by loving and sacrificial parents and I want to be that mother to my children. I want them to be so aware and assured of my love and commitment towards them. For now, I have a son who's a toddler and I am glad I can give expression to that desire in the way that I raise him. However, the most fundamental tradition I’m intentional with passing on is the knowledge of and love for God. This has been my anchor all my life and the most valuable investment I have received from my parents. It’s especially important that I’m intentional with this because I’m raising my son in the diaspora away from the “village” that raised me to be the woman of faith that I am. So I am conscious about creating a culture of prayers, fellowship and an intentional walk of faith in our home.

What about your upbringing would you prefer not to repeat with your own journey as a parent?
I don’t want to be a yeller! My mum was and guess what? I think I am to some extent. Sometimes when my toddler is rearranging the house, I find myself yelling, “stop that” “don’t do this” and the likes. I really want to be a gentle parent and I’m working on it😂

What attributes of yours or that of your husband have you began to see in your kids?
My son is under 2 years and I can already see a lot and it’s been such a spiritual lesson for me. I’m quite proud of many of his tendencies, particularly his love for music. The way he’s attracted to sound and music instruments is such a joy to witnesses, especially since I’ve been a worship leader and my husband was once in the band. His strong will is also something that intrigues me. I’m not going to say who he got that from (lol).

What was postpartum like for you? Did you have help? Were there any complications with your mental and physical health? And if there was, how did you deal with it?
Two words: Cloudy days. Being a first time mum raising my child in the diaspora, without any help after a C-section was tough. The fact that I didn’t have friends here like I do now or the information that I have now about outsourcing certain aspects of self care really complicated that season. I’ve never had to be that strong all my life. I weathered the tears and fears and I’m so grateful God held me through. And my mum and siblings were there for me virtually. Thank God for tech! My husband was really instrumental to cushioning the effects of that period as well. He outsourced meals and catered to our infant as much as his work schedule would let him. He was a real trooper!

How do you relax? What is self care for you?
Self-care as toddler’ mum is sleep o. I enjoy taking some quality time to rest and be energized and creative. Outsourcing some domestic activities helps me rest and also give life to my dreams and self development in other areas be it spending some time to pray/study, finish an online course, spend some focused work time at the library or create content for my ministry.

What do you miss most about your life before kids?
Not having to worry about another human being 😂. Now I have to plan my son into everything. Even if I don’t want to cook, I have to feed him. I’m researching when it’s the appropriate age for children to fast because .. lol. Jokes aside, being a mum comes with a degree of responsibility and accountability that can fuel or water your fire depending on how you embrace it.

What was the best advice you got about being a mother to your kids?
Trust God to help you be the parent your child needs per time. It works! There’s no one-size fits all parenting technique. As much as it’s important to learn from those veteran parents, your child is unique and so is the age they’re growing up in. However, God knows them too much and He understands the times so He’s the perfect guide. Trusting Him, I know when to rebuke and when to embrace regardless of what’s been done. I know how to indulge and how to instruct. Learning and trusting God for the application of knowledge has been an amazing advice!

How would you describe your parenting style?
It’s a spirit-led technique. That’s all I can say. It surely has elements of known techniques but ultimately, it’s about trusting God for the fitting application of knowledge per time.

What's it like raising a child in a different environment to the one you grew up in? Are there any fears about how the culture of that environment can negatively impact your child? How do you deal with that?
This is a real concern for parents raising their children in the diaspora. Not only do we have to deal with blurred cultural boundaries and normalization of perversion (thanks to technology), our young families are now uprooted from the tangible cultural elements and village that raised them. It gives me great concern but I’m deliberate with transferring the values that have enriched my life to my son including faith, community, accountability, respect and healthy sense of identity. I leverage technology and visits to ensure my son has access to members of our extended family so he understands our identity as a family and grows up with a sense of accountability. I’m also glad to have found other parents here in the diaspora who are part of my village now and we can support each other as we raise godly children.

What about motherhood and parenting do you still struggle with?
Finding a rhythm that works. Sometimes I think I’ve cracked the code and then before I know it, I’m back to figuring it out. I’m certain I have a lot of figuring out to do as as my child grows and goes through the phases of his development. Nevertheless, I’m confident that I can navigate every season with the wisdom of God and continuous support of my husband, my family and our village.

How do you discipline your kids (instead of beating them)?
Let me be upfront about the fact that I am not a ‘spare the rod’ parent. The rod can mean different things and it has its place. However, my son is still too young for me to be offended by his explorations. Being a toddler's mum may be tough but I can’t imagine how tough it is being a toddler. I mean, the amount of development he has to go through in such a short time and having to take in so much information and figure the world out with limited ways to communicate his feelings? Must be tough! So I understand the acting out. I understand the “mistakes”. It’s all part of growth and exploration. And because I understand, I am able to communicate better in love. I’m able to smile and hug besides the occasional “stop that!”. At this phase, I don’t think there’s much (if any) discipline to do. Just lots of love, understanding and modeling appropriate behavior.

What's your happiest childhood memory?
Too many to count! Honestly, too many. Christmas with my family was the crown jewel though. Having my family in one place celebrating and just enjoying each other’s company was a beautiful memory. My dad worked out of town and only visited few times a year or we visit to spend long vacations with him, and at some point I went off to boarding school and my brother went off to school with my dad. So we weren’t always together. I always looked forward to us being together and those moments created memories I still relish today.

What would you prefer your children’s memory of their childhood be?
That they are loved not because of anything but in spite of everything. I pray and work at creating memories that assures my son of our love for him and our commitment to him. As long as my children know that we did our absolute best to make their lives beautiful with the information and resources we had, I’m okay. I’ll leave the details to God (lol)

What is your proudest moment so far as a mum?
Winning through postpartum! Raising a healthy child and nurturing a beautiful family. I did that by God! That’s my bragging right for eternity to come. I wear a badge of honor and pride that I navigated that season and came out sane and stronger. The next time you see a mum, particularly a first time mum navigating motherhood in the diaspora, send them lots of love and prayers. It’s not for the faint hearted.

Who are you, aside being a mum?
I’m a Kingdom Girl. That pretty much sums me up. I’m a trained communications professional and women’s studies researcher. I champion women’s leadership and agency. I’m an author, worship leader and an all-round Mathew 6:33 girl.

What was your experience with healthcare when you were pregnant and during the delivery of your kid(s)?
Pregnancy itself was quite challenging. I couldn’t keep food down for months and the earlier months was stressful as I was almost always sick. However, my wonderful experience with healthcare cushioned that effect. I started the journey at family healthcare center in Ibadan (Issachar Medical Center) where I was lovingly supported and cared for and when I moved to Qatar in my 2nd trimester, it was a seamless transition with expert care. I’m grateful to God for the healthcare system here in Qatar and quality attention given to women and maternal health. I’m grateful for the proactive medical professionals who were angels during my son’s birth. God used their skilled hands to avert a life-threatening emergency and for that I’m grateful.

What are your thoughts on family planning? Did you plan your kids or did you just go with the flow?
My dear, our son is God’s plan o. Right now, we’re planning with God and happy to embrace any miracle…lol

If you could do something different about your choice of career and family life, what would it be?
I have stopped living with any shade of regrets, so I can confidently say nothing. The things I can fix now, I’m fixing. The things I can’t, I count it all joy! I deliberate about making better choices and that’s what matters.

What advice(s) do you have for new mums in Africa?
Breathe and focus on your assignment. Don’t put yourself under unnecessary pressures. Be clear on what’s important and what are nice to haves. Your child doesn’t need a million outfits and toys in their first months of life. They’ll need you the most so focus on you. Become a better person, heal from your traumas and create a good environment in your home for your children to thrive. Also, find your village and nurture connections that your children will benefit from. It’s not only the African thing to do but the smart thing to do. Open the doors to relationships within your extended family and circle of influence that will enrich their lives- this is such a spiritual cheat code if your children have godly grandparents. Don’t raise your children in isolation. Let them understand community and accountability. Do the best you can with what you have and when you can do better, level up. Always remember that if God found you worthy to be the mother of that child, then you are indeed the woman for the job. So learn what you ought and embrace your responsibilities with audacious courage and a sense of accountability. Also be deliberate about nurturing your life holistically and giving life to other expressions of you. And when you need help, ask for it, receive it and enjoy it without any sense of guilt or inadequacy. Don’t forget to breathe and live your best authentic life within the provisions of grace.